Small Steps Forward

I had to write a quick note on brilliance conjecture’s blog post. (I don’t know the name of the author. I think the web site and my browser may be having issues.) The author writes about asking his mother one day why she didn’t try to fix a tech problem herself and her response that she was afraid that she’d break something. Apparently, the author attempted to explain that exploring options and experimenting wouldn’t necessarily “break” anything. To which the mother replied that the author’s experimental approach was due to his/her irresponsibility.

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She kept seeing these hungry dogs. The dogs were long past the point of hope, long past the days where they thought that going up to a human, sitting down a few feet from them, looking at them intently and in an expectant manner while enthusiastically but excitedly wagging their tail would get them want they wanted. They no longer looked at humans with big round eyes to drown in, no longer whinnied, or moaned or whimpered.

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Let me get this straight.

I meet a guy. Tall, attractive, charismatic, accomplished and hard-working. So much so, that I’m looking for flaws. There has to be at least one. I have a track record for picking … Well, let’s just say that I’ve chosen unwisely in the past.

And then he said something. I don’t even remember what he said, I just remember that it was at that point that I realized he would never be boring. Ever. Do you know how often I meet people who are never boring? Before now, NEVER. EVER. Not even ONCE. I never entertained the thought that such a person existed. It’s not even that I gave up hope that such a person existed; it’s that I never even imagined it in the first place.

He has a girlfriend.

So, let me get this straight. I met the perfect guy. He’s unavailable. And because I met him, I know he exists. And because he exists, the bar is now raised so that any other guy I would even consider would have to, at the very least, never be boring. And it took me several decades to find this guy.

Life #@$!%ing sucks.

I remember …

I had a conversation recently with someone. We were discussing how we consciously chose “other blackness.” I don’t know what to call it. Other blackness seems stupid, but maybe you’ve got a better term for it.

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MacHeist is having a sale. Well, it’s not really a sale so much as it’s an opportunity to score some great free applications (Some maybe more great than others; your mileage may vary.)

ShoveBox, WriteRoom, Twitterific, TinyGrab, Hordes of Orcs, and Mariner Write are all available for the next 3 days absolutely free at MacHeist.

Remember when you first started explaining Quicksilver to folks and it was like trying to create an online dating ad? Or trying to describe enlightenment?

So, I’m not even going to try and explain Autopilot; I’m just going to point you to the Autopilot demo screencast.

And I’m going to say wow….

Wow.

me and my pen

being a writer, i am a pen-aholic. i am very selective about my writing implements and like to keep my favorites with me.

for awhile, i was buying those pilot pens and feeding them paper regularly, despite my predilection for bending the nib to some weird angle. then they started disappearing. one right after another. normally, i’m quite good about keeping track of my pens. i rarely leave one behind, even when i let others use them. but they started walking away with increasing regularity. until i was down to my last pen. and then, despite my best efforts to stay aware and focused, that one disappeared too.

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Thank you, anonymous craigslist poster!

See the original post (if it’s still there), or read below:

I will kick you in the nuts. For free. (53rd & 3rd)

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At my anger management class, I was told that:
- Volunteering makes you feel needed.
- Volunteering can lead to learning new skills.
- Volunteering can help you deal with some of your personal problems.
- Volunteering helps you meet new people and breaks down barriers of misunderstanding, mistrust and fear.
- Volunteering can create new contacts which may help your business or career.

So here is what I am going to do:

1. I will stand on this corner with a sign MWF 11:00am-12:30pm.
2. You give me a detailed explanation why you need this (because after all, I am performing this service this for free).
3. I kick you right in the nuts.

• Location: 53rd & 3rd
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• it’s OK to distribute this charitable volunteerism opportunity for inclusion in 3rd party web sites that have been approved by craigslist

The more steps I take to manifesting my goals, the more I let go of people, places and things not in line with those goals. Actually, it’s less people, places and things than it is my attitudes and behaviors towards people, places and things that I’m letting go of.

Specifically, there is a woman at the shelter that I know from prior to either of us being in the shelter. I see where she could be playing a stronger game of life and I want to help her. Before, I would jump right in and start helping her. Now, though, I sit back and watch.

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for the longest time, i’ve had the most painful waking nightmare. i called it “the screaming.” seemingly out of the blue, this unbidden sensation would overtake me. i always felt concerned about describing it, because i always thought of it as crazy.

inner scream

there is the pain of cutting yourself, for example, and then the pain when you remember. there is no blade when you remember, yet you can feel it as if there were. the screaming was similar to that. but it wasn’t just, say, a pain in my shoulder, for example. i would feel as if every cell in my body was in incredible agony and screaming. it was a fleeting feeling, yet quite intense and strong. it would come without warning and quickly leave. and each time, the thought “she tried to kill me” would be left of the feeling.

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Something Happened.

Running Scared

There was a woman at the shelter I was staying in who was telling me about some really crazy shit some of the shelter staff had done to her. She had found a level of advocacy that I had not. Even with someone strong fighting on her side, however, she was hesitant to seek full justice now that she was aware of the level of repercussions the staff would seek for even minor slights.

I recognized the look of fear on her face. I had not even received the strong support she had and I had felt that same fear and uncertainty.

I think it was at that point I decided to get the hell out of there.

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