Small Steps Forward

i’ve been in a phenomenal career development program. these past few weeks i have been hard at work, defining my career goals and refining them, and the work has paid off. i find myself no longer desperately searching for any work i can get. now i have a plan for what i want to do and how i plan to do it. and it makes all the difference in the world.

and then i did something. i pinched someone. and they complained.

i may be given the opportunity to repeat the program; i may not.

what’s amazing to me is that i’m not upset. other students and staff are upset. i’m not only okay with the decision, i support it.

i remember a time when i would have been upset, when i would have considered this akin to upsetting the apple cart, when i would have belabored the entire “poor me” routine, pulled out my history book of wrongs being visited upon me and remonstrated over my completely horrible and horrific life.

i don’t know what’s changed in me so much. i’m not just not upset, i feel happy and relieved. i don’t know what’s wrong with me that this is my reaction. (and the other part of me doesn’t know what’s wrong with me that this hasn’t been my reaction all along.)

part of it may stem from the fact that i was building something not quite right. i think stephen covey says that part of you decides where you want to go, and part of you decides how you’re going to get there. i had mapped out a plan that seemed right on target. then someone asked me a question that had me investigating a whole new map which feels like an even better fit. no, it seems like an incredible fit. this “derailment” becomes an opportunity to explore this new career option.

part of it may stem from my frustration with other students. i did not perceive them to be working as hard… they were driving me up the wall. they were loud, rude occasionally… they did not seem to take the work or the opportunities as seriously. i had been wanting to be very far away from them. and so i got my wish.

part of it also may stem from my practice of writing eleven “thank you’s” every morning after morning pages. after marinating every day in the ways i feel graced, maybe things that normally i’d see as negative feel much less so.

part of it may stem from the burn-out i felt. i had been assisting some of them, rarely saying “no,” to the point i had very little energy to give to myself. and so, if given the chance to repeat, i get to practice saying “yes” to myself more.

i think that a lot of what we get in our lives we have asked for. maybe the package our gift comes in seems foreign, or not quite right, but i think often enough, when we take the dress out and put it on, it’s absolutely perfect. i think i asked for this, and i got it. and where before, i’d be damning myself and my luck, i feel … not only at ease, but relieved and happy.