freedom is security
Jun 12th, 2009 by tortoise
Something Happened.
Running Scared
There was a woman at the shelter I was staying in who was telling me about some really crazy shit some of the shelter staff had done to her. She had found a level of advocacy that I had not. Even with someone strong fighting on her side, however, she was hesitant to seek full justice now that she was aware of the level of repercussions the staff would seek for even minor slights.
I recognized the look of fear on her face. I had not even received the strong support she had and I had felt that same fear and uncertainty.
I think it was at that point I decided to get the hell out of there.
Which Way Do I Go?
I felt like leaving was a bit like jumping from a plane with no parachute except faith. I was heartened a little when I ran into a woman who told me all about her experiences sleeping on the subway. I had always thought of sleeping outside in the great wide open as very chancy, very risky and moderately to extremely dangerous. What she said put my mind at ease and I began to plan in earnest.
One feverish weekend, I put my stuff in storage, packed my bags and left the shelter.
Amazed And Confused
It’s been fucking excellent. On every level. I am in shock, really. I had no idea that living on the street was not only incredibly safe, but amazingly peaceful. I must admit, I don’t understand it myself: why on earth would sleeping outside with rapists, murderers and robbers lurking about be safer and more peaceful than sleeping inside a shelter manned by staff and security guards? And yet, … it is.
I knew I was on the right track that first week. The previous week in the shelter, I had to work to keep my temper from flaring. That week on the trains, I found frustration and anger sliding off me like fried eggs off Teflon.
And the energy came back. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a draining relationship, but if you have, i know you remember that rush of energy which came flowing back into your psyche when you left. Quicker than a trickle but not quite a flood, that first week and the weeks following, I could feel energy return and increase with rapidity and surety.
I’ve since moved from trains to streets. Dealing with the bathroom situation in the subway was becoming too challenging. Bathrooms can be few and far between, and there were times when I just had to go.
Even Better
The blessings keep increasing. The shelter food was absolutely horrendous; moving out meant finding soup kitchens and other places to eat. And the free food and meals I’ve found have been incredible. The other day I had oxtails. And I’m receiving public assistance. In the shelter, the allotment is $22 and outside, it’s over $100.
I feel simply amazed when I look back. And incredibly grateful that I took the leap.
Freedom is security.