I was in the worst living situation. I was in the land of ten thousand roaches, and infinite chiggers. And I was looking around, like a driven maniac, desperately casting about for any other living situation. Actually, not any other situation. I knew how easily one could allow desperation to take hold, then jump with fine-tuned precision and easy grace from the frying pan straight into the fire. So I was being selective, but very, very, very motivated.
And I was finding nothing! Nothing at all. I couldn’t believe it. A scant two weeks prior, there had been a dearth of apartments, roommate situations, and rooms to let everywhere, and now it was quieter than downtown Sandusky, Ohio after 9pm. Nothing in my price range, nothing in the neighborhoods I was seeking to live in… Nada.
Sigh.
When things get like that: when things seem to be incredibly stuck on the outside, I start searching inside to see what I need to shift in order for things to begin flowing again. And this felt as stuck as could be. So I consulted the runes, hoping I could make sense of the situation. I needed to find out what I was missing: what essential component I could introduce or develop which would allow a stagnant life some air. And me a new place.
The runes said stop gossiping. And I thought, …… What?
First off, I couldn’t — for the life of me — figure out what on earth talking about others had to do with finding a new place to live. And secondly, I didn’t gossip that much. (Nobody ever gossips much and nobody ever sees themselves as gossiping much.) How on earth could something so small have anything to do with a problem so large?
But the runes were insistent, and I decided, to at least take a look at the thing?
I started off with my favorite research tool — Google — and began looking up what I could find out about gossiping. I didn’t find much that seemed to go beyond the usual “Don’t!” when I wanted to know why. Surprisingly, I found some religious treatises on the matter. Not being religious, I found most of these wanting as far as motivation or explanation (I really need more elucidation than “the [insert-the-name-of-your-favorite-holy-text-here] says don’t do it” ), although I did happen upon something which resonated with me. What I read said that what differentiated talking from gossip was motivation and accuracy. And I could see both being issues in gossip. It’s hard to explain exactly how those words struck me, but I feel it’s important to try.
First let me say that while I didn’t see myself as a big gossiper, those words helped me see that many times my *motivation* for speaking about someone not present was not based on a healthy, positive thing. I was talking to destroy and tear down. Granted, I was talking about my landlord, and granted, I was talking about my living situation, but in putting my energy to tear something down, I was depriving myself of energy and personal power.
And I wasn’t being accurate about the situation. Because in the very instant I was working to declaim him, I was declaiming my ability to do something about the situation. Don’t get me wrong, there was a viable solution in working to move out as quickly as possible. But let me put this backwards for a moment so you can see it. If there was an infestation one day and I was moving out the next, would I complain bitterly about the situation? Or would I put my efforts and focus into moving out and be unworried about how the landlord was approaching the issue?
The only thing propelling me to rail about the injustice of it all was the fact that I was still experiencing the problem. And I was still experiencing the problem because I was unwilling to do more to resolve the issue. I didn’t want to call the Health Department or other government authorities. I didn’t want to send the landlord a letter, certified receipt to begin a paper trail. I didn’t want to arrange a sit-down with the landlord and the other tenants. I felt unwilling to escalate the issue. So it was on to complaining bitterly behind his back.
Which was inaccurately putting forth the problem as unsolvable. And me as deserving of the treatment I was receiving. And me as powerless to do anything about it.
So I stopped talking about it. Not overnight. Some habits are hard to break. Especially when the roaches are kamikaze-ing into the food you’re preparing for dinner. But as I stopped talking about it, I noticed a shift.
I began to notice how other people talk when in similar situations. I had always seen and felt it, but this was the first time I was _aware_ of it. (Probably because I was now working on addressing this behavior in myself.) What happens when we vent is that we let off a little steam. But this energy is being applied — not to fix something or remove a hindrance — but to allow us to release some of the internal stress so as to continue to take the same abuse. (And we’re definitely experiencing it as abuse; if we weren’t we wouldn’t be gossiping.) Gossiping doesn’t help; it hinders! And it only hinders the person gossiping.
Actually, it also hinders the listener.
One of the books I read in my search for an explanation of what gossip is and why the runes would say to stop was “Gossip: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It from Your Life and Transform Your Soul” by Lori Palatnik and Bob Burg. While I didn’t quite agree with everything they put forth … I should explain that. One of the things they seemed to be saying in their book was that unless you were saying something positive about a person, you should shut the fuck up. Which I don’t quite agree with. I think that you can say something about a person which isn’t positive and not be gossiping. I think this is where the motivation part kicks in. I think sometimes in order to solve the problem, you may have to begin your inquiry with things that may be deemed as negative. I’m not one who counts a Truth which seems negative as negative.
That said, the authors talked a bit about how damaging it is to listen to gossip. I had always felt uncomfortable when people around me would say something to me about someone they didn’t want repeated. Until now, I hadn’t had a _name_ for my pain. I hadn’t realized how damaging it was to listen to them. Now that I was plugging my own energy leaks, I was more aware of how exhausting the “conversation” was when I listened to others gossip. Allowing them to vent to me was actually damaging me!
I think everyone has had that girlfriend who insists on detailing every single thing wrong with her crazy/abusive/evil boyfriend but also insists on staying with him. I think everyone has done the same dance of initial sympathy, evolved concern, and then eventual frustration and fed-up-ness with said girlfriend’s refusal to act in a way which puts an end to the complaining and your misery for her. If I’m not with the boyfriend, why on earth would I want to live with his actions?
I began to limit what I would listen to, even telling some that I wasn’t doing gossip. (I don’t do this in every situation; requesting this still feels foreign to me. Sociology is winning over biology on this point. But the more I do limit what I hear, the more energy I retain.) I’m reminded of one person in particular who had previously begun our conversations with a long litany of complaints, of people who were taking and wasting her time and attention. I could easily see how the energy she used attending to their needs ahead of her own was translating into her efforts to replenish herself by letting off steam with me. (A few weeks prior, this could easily result in me having multiple conversations with someone else about “how Gloria’s really a good conversationalist, but lately all she does is talk about how people are taking her time but she doesn’t do anything about it and I can’t listen to it anymore”.) The first day was interesting and I suggested some ways to put herself second, at least, if not first. The second day, less so, and I reiterated my suggestions. And finally, I told her no more gossip. And she didn’t have much to talk about after that. I don’t think there was a way for her to convert “I am being taken advantage of” to “I feel used and I am allowing others to take advantage of me.”
Which is another great reason to get rid of gossip. You lose those people for whom personal responsibility does not exist. And you decrease the drama in your life dramatically.
The next step? No more National Enquirer. That step could take awhile.
Oh yes. I wound up finding a new place. Shortly after I stopped gossiping, I just moved into a hotel room for a week, then to a sublet for a month, then I found the *perfect* place. Not in the neighborhood I wanted; better. Not in the price range I wanted, but exactly what I wanted. And the funny thing is? I had seen the ad for this place at least twice during my search but had immediately discounted it because it didn’t fit my criteria at the time.