it’s all zen
Oct 28th, 2008 by tortoise
i don’t know if you’ve ever really experienced anger. i mean, everyone gets angry, but i remember talking with someone i knew about my anger and she was pooh-poohing the whole idea that i was any angrier than anyone else. except i said something about getting homicidal and she said something like “yeah, sure, everybody feels that,” but in that tone that psychiatrists use when they want to make you feel normal. and the furrowed look on her face told me that maybe she had actually heard me instead of hearing what she wanted to refute. she worked on a nut ward, so i think something about the way i said it resonated in a way that she had some experience with.
but it’s interesting. i have been meditating every day, like it was a religion, like heaven was guaranteed as long as i did 30 minutes a day. and i still feel angry about my situation, but i notice a certain detachment. i notice that unlike other times, i feel angry and then it fades. or … mutates. or dissipates. or like today, i am on my usual emotional roller-coaster and this image pops in my head. it’s me, in one of those whirling-tea-cups amusement park rides, and i’m chilling, saying “wow, this is some ride!” and then i’m laughing at the picture instead of feeling furious.
i knew i had to start meditating to when my roommate physically assaulted me and then escalated that behavior. what i didn’t know was exactly how beneficial it would be. the craziness is around me but it never really permeates the center of me.
it’s really cool.