Small Steps Forward

i am an extreme people pleaser. and i am at a loss as to why the hell this would be. few people who know me would think i ever have a problem saying no. ever.

but something weird is happening. i am running into people at the places i go to get online. and with a stack of uncomplete (yes, uncomplete. incomplete is when you’re not overly concerned about getting things done; uncomplete is when you’re so anxiety-ridden that you’re drawing blood when you bite your nails) tasks and projects way overdue, i am not telling people to go fuck off.

Continue Reading »

every sunday, i sit here and i fish. i put a worm on a hook, and i put the hook into the ocean of my thoughts and i wait for a nibble. and it comes. it comes.

Continue Reading »

i’m ever so leery of advocates. “representatives” frighten me. it is my firm belief that something is lost in the translation when someone else is speaking for you.

Continue Reading »

sometimes i think of the things that weren’t supposed to happen to me and i get upset all over again. i don’t want to, i don’t want to live there, but i do. i find myself rifling through those memories, reviewing those stories for the umpteenth time… it’s like traveling some well-worn road, the earth under my feet hard-packed from the many times i’ve traveled down it.

Continue Reading »

i’ve been in a phenomenal career development program. these past few weeks i have been hard at work, defining my career goals and refining them, and the work has paid off. i find myself no longer desperately searching for any work i can get. now i have a plan for what i want to do and how i plan to do it. and it makes all the difference in the world.

and then i did something. i pinched someone. and they complained.

Continue Reading »

every time i sit down to write, i find myself clearing first. the first few paragraphs that i write (sometimes more than a few paragraphs) are for clearing a way through the thought thicket, looking for signs of a path to follow, seeking footsteps in the brush, hunting tracks of a train of thought to follow or create.

i seek the word.

Continue Reading »

there is a woman at the shelter where i’m staying who is working on building her business. and she’s a complete dyke. a butch. one of those lesbians who never wear dresses. and if her shoe has a heel, it also has a steel toe. anyway. i was thoroughly enjoying talking with her. in the shelters, there are lots of people simply rusting on the vine. it can take a lot to build and maintain an “i can” philosophy in the midst of legions of people chanting “i can’t because…”. the nice thing about talking with her was that she had that get-up-and-go attitude. the negative thing about talking with her was her lack of respect.

Continue Reading »

I’ve escaped. I read this interesting book sometime ago — “Kindred” by Octavia Butler — in which this woman travels, involuntarily, back and forth through time. For some reason, she keeps dropping in on this plantation family, suddenly appearing and disappearing from their lives. A family already dysfunctional, her last visit is a culmination, a harvesting of seeds already planted. And on her trip back, she leaves part of herself behind. Literally.

I give myself congratulations on escaping that hellish roommate situation, but something was lost in the struggle.

Continue Reading »

i think i’ve found the way out. i could be wrong, but i think i have the secret.

i’ve been thinking about it, puzzling over it for years…

waiting and waiting

someone told me a story once. a woman she knew was talking about the importance of training men. this woman had a date with a guy and the guy was late. it might have been 5 minutes or 10 or 15. it was no more than 15, and i think it was 5. after 5 or 15 minutes of waiting for the guy, the woman went home. the guy called later and asked what happened, and the woman said “you weren’t there.” it took, from what i remember of the story, no more than 3 times of this and the guy was either on time after that.

Continue Reading »

i don’t know if you’ve ever really experienced anger. i mean, everyone gets angry, but i remember talking with someone i knew about my anger and she was pooh-poohing the whole idea that i was any angrier than anyone else. except i said something about getting homicidal and she said something like “yeah, sure, everybody feels that,” but in that tone that psychiatrists use when they want to make you feel normal. and the furrowed look on her face told me that maybe she had actually heard me instead of hearing what she wanted to refute. she worked on a nut ward, so i think something about the way i said it resonated in a way that she had some experience with.

Continue Reading »