people pleasing
Mar 22nd, 2009 by tortoise
i am an extreme people pleaser. and i am at a loss as to why the hell this would be. few people who know me would think i ever have a problem saying no. ever.
but something weird is happening. i am running into people at the places i go to get online. and with a stack of uncomplete (yes, uncomplete. incomplete is when you’re not overly concerned about getting things done; uncomplete is when you’re so anxiety-ridden that you’re drawing blood when you bite your nails) tasks and projects way overdue, i am not telling people to go fuck off.
there is this zen thing (is every gtd‘er have an dilettante buddhist?) that i’m reminded of. it goes something like, the pickpocket who stole your wallet is actually an enlightened master teaching you awareness. the fat person taking up their seat and half of your seat is teaching you adaptability.
and then i think that these people i allow to come in and suck up my time are enlightened masters trying to tell me something.
i went to one place to work, and i felt almost tag-teamed. as soon as i finished a two-hour conversation about nothing with one person, another person walked in and started another long conversation about nothing. and someone else came after that person left. hours later, the sun was setting and i had gotten very little work done. i felt like i’d been in multiple hit-and-runs.
and i’m beginning to realize (after several days of this, mind you), that i am bringing this on, i am inviting this. i’m a great conversationalist, a wonderful listener, and a sheer joy and delight to talk to. and to heave great mountains of emotional rants upon. and i don’t say no. i don’t even say “yes, later.”
what’s most infuriating for me is that even after i sat down and had a long session with myself, determined to end this behavior once and for all, i then sallied forth armed with frustration and a long todo list, and i still engaged in the same behavior a few days later.
i might be inclined to chalk this up to procrastination, except for the fact that i’ve done this before [see the assburger files], ad nauseam.
digging into this a little deeper, i take the express train straight to childhood. a combination
- of being the class stepchild with no friends,
- of suffering through a family who never made sense to me (nor i to them) and who valued my silence over any expression of my thoughts or opinions,
- and of severe repercussions for creating or enforcing any type of boundary
all feed into my willingness to simply suffer through a (hopefully) short conversation than to say anything like “no” or “yes, we can talk later.”