please stop screaming
Jul 3rd, 2009 by tortoise
for the longest time, i’ve had the most painful waking nightmare. i called it “the screaming.” seemingly out of the blue, this unbidden sensation would overtake me. i always felt concerned about describing it, because i always thought of it as crazy.
inner scream
there is the pain of cutting yourself, for example, and then the pain when you remember. there is no blade when you remember, yet you can feel it as if there were. the screaming was similar to that. but it wasn’t just, say, a pain in my shoulder, for example. i would feel as if every cell in my body was in incredible agony and screaming. it was a fleeting feeling, yet quite intense and strong. it would come without warning and quickly leave. and each time, the thought “she tried to kill me” would be left of the feeling.
i had some really crazy parents and i every time this thought would remain, i would think that maybe “she” was referring to a parent.
have you ever seen a lassie run this way and that?
my first instinct was to deny the screaming, then to fight it or to flee it. none of these worked. i then started trying to explore it. inviting it didn’t seem to work. maybe as a burglar senses a trap at an open window, making a place for it to enter didn’t seem to bring it on. when it did come, i would search it, question it, feel around for the truth in it. i’d comb through my memories, trying to find what forgotten wound still needed healing. i was looking for the source of the screaming, and, more importantly, the resolution.
i’ve found, that in these things, at least two things are required. one is the exploration, the being open to seeing the truth of things, listening with both ears and an open heart. the second thing required is action. and sometimes it’s hard to discern what action is required. in this case, i didn’t need to make a space for the feeling; i needed to make space for self-care, regular and consistent self-care. that, on a regular basis, cleared the way for the breakthrough.
and in the mirror…
the breakthrough came with a few surprises. surprises like “she” was me. that was a humdinger. but i thought of all the times i could have walked away from so many abusive environments, how many times i let myself be railroaded, bamboozled, conned, tricked, and just plain used and i realized the abuse i received wasn’t the problem, it was the abuse i accepted that was causing the screaming.
and once i realized that, the screaming stopped.