Small Steps Forward

Okay. I am so avoiding doing this blog entry. Like, in huge monstrous ways. I know it will be good for me to write about this. I know it will be a relief to get this off my chest. I know it’s been bugging me, itching away like chicken pox, to just write, and I am still putting it off.

Part of the problem is that it’s one of those long, complex affairs, in which I have to follow each thread, fleshing out things I’m unsure how to describe. Part of the problem is that it’s unresolved, and what I write here today may not be true for me tomorrow; I tend towards perfectionism and completeness, and this issue seems open, sloppy, and undone.

Part of the problem is that it’s going to be a very long post. And I’m not Pavlina. Yet.

Part of the problem is that it’s revealing, and even as I’ve set this blog up to hide in plain sight, it still takes a leap of courage on my part to open myself up and reveal me.

Part of the problem is that it doesn’t make me look pretty. And it involves those yucky, human things I loathe and despise so much: feelings. I hate feelings. Completely illogical. Untameable. Annoying. And just not fitting into an antiseptic life in general.

Anyway.

I’m not a misanthrope. Someone introduced me to that word recently and I thought what a perfect description. I don’t really dislike people as much as I dislike the people I hang around. I really dislike the people I hang around.

Why hang around people I dislike? Fear of rejection. Isn’t that blanked? I find the lower common denominator of people to hang out with so that I can’t get rejected. (I used to find the absolute lowest common denominator, but that never worked out well.)

Thing is, I don’t like ‘em much. I think they’re big fat crybabies, whining about their condition instead of doing something about it. And I feel really repulsed by some of their behavior. I find myself putting forth a lot of energy protecting myself from their negativity. And because doing this is so familiar to me, I’m not all that conscious of the effect these “friendships” have on me. And because it’s far easier to do what’s familiar to me, I continue putting energy into these relationships. Like pouring energy down the drain. A good relationship should be a dynamic and self-sustaining.

So that’s the general picture; let’s paint specifics.

Tomorrow.