Small Steps Forward

sometimes i think of the things that weren’t supposed to happen to me and i get upset all over again. i don’t want to, i don’t want to live there, but i do. i find myself rifling through those memories, reviewing those stories for the umpteenth time… it’s like traveling some well-worn road, the earth under my feet hard-packed from the many times i’ve traveled down it.

i read, recently, “as a man thinketh“. (on a side note, it was a pleasure to find out that it’s been re-written: for women, there is “as a woman thinketh,” and if you prefer first person, there is “as i think.”) if you’re unfamiliar with the book, it’s basic premise is that whatever you get in life is a direct result of your thoughts, that your thoughts are the seeds today which grow into the reality you harvest tomorrow.

i’d always contended that people chose to be homeless. not like going to starbucks and asking for a tall cup of homelessness with a shot of sleeping under a bridge, extra rain please. but more like pan-handling change and blowing it all on drugs everyday, or even a cup of coffee everyday at starbucks (sometimes better known as “five bucks”). it’s the cumulative effect of small, every-day decisions which builds the inevitable bout with or return to homelessness.

it’s funny, then, that i should read this book — essentially maintaining the same thing, but on a more sublime level, starting not with the action of buying that coffee from starbucks every day, but with the thoughts that brought one there — and experience an initial resistance to it.

surely i couldn’t have done that to myself: think myself here?

peeking beneath the surface

yes. i can.

and yes. i did.

i have a number of survival techniques, perfected and honed since childhood, which i’ve found useful when dealing with drug addicts. that these tactics are for a child trying to find her way through a maze of insanity created by adult addicts charged with the responsibility of “taking care of her” hasn’t meant that i’ve abandoned these means now that i’ve reached adulthood.

in fact, as i’ve slowly been realizing after reading this book, i create imaginary scenarios repeatedly throughout the day, in which i am encountering addicts or insane behavior, from the perspective of a powerless child. throughout the day, i am recreating my childhood repeatedly, in order to practice my survival skills.

and then i wonder why i am repeatedly confronting these types of people in my life.

diagnosis is the easy part

i am looking at this predilection of thought and i’m wondering, great, i see the problem, but how do i treat this? my first instinct is to rush in with a bag full of sun-shiny thoughts, eagerly pulling out one whenever i find myself re-creating childhood trauma for present consumption, and slapping it on like a band-aid.

and then i take a deep breath and i decide to continue building awareness of my thoughts. i like this choice better. it’s smarter work and more peaceful work. changing habits doesn’t have to be a war.